Mafia Gazette Past Issue 82
The Mafia Gazette Issue 82 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Friday 17th March 'MADE DEATHS: COINCIDENCE, OR MURDEROUS LINK? ' By: Randle-McMurphy A recent spate of Made Man deaths have swept the country, with the heads of rime families across the nation being gunned down with vicious accuracy. The latest of these have been Mackey, mefix, and VeraVendetta. Police are not issuing any statements at the time of going to press, though an inside source at the Dallas Police Chiefs office has confirmed that the strongest suspect in the brutal murder of Mackey is the ASDA high-ranker, Paulo-Gismondo-Jr. Whether or not Gismondo is considered a suspect in the killings of the other Mades is not yet known especially considering the close timing of all the killings, although Police are said to be keeping an open mind at this stage. Gismondo was interviewed recently by the Gazette and was questioned on at least two of the kills that he made. He admitted to killing TheNephilim, Obituaries reporter for the Gazette, but flatly denied the other despite there being good evidence to the contrary. His Boss in ASDA, Cicero, was also spoken to and claimed not to care if one of his Family was the one who was killing. There is a startling amount of evidence to suggest that Gismondo is a serial killer with as many as 200 kills to his name, with that number climbing daily. With the recent deaths of family heads, there now appears to be an influx of unsponsored mobsters roaming our streets, with less and less families available to join. How this will affect the structures of current families, we are yet to see, however with crews overflowing, and tensions running high following the slaughters, this Gazette reporter can’t help but think we have not yet seen an end to the bloodshed of the past week. Updates on this story will be brought as soon as they develop. 'ELLUSIVE KILLER TRACED ' The killer of Ellusion, Made Man from New York finally gave up his story to the press today in a shocking bid to clear his name and claim innocence. His claim that it was self-defence lasted mere minutes as it was revealed that he joined the Made Man with the intention of being in a family to better enable him to find the killer of his previous boss, JTocco, killed less than an hour before. Anthony-_MaItisonto spoke to the Gazette minutes before being gunned down in the streets and told our reporter the exact sequence of events that led to the death of his new Boss a mere 23 minutes after he joined the family. Almost immediately after joining the family, MaItisonto was promoted by his new boss to the rank of Earner, and began discussion his need for vengeance with Ellusion. The man he claimed to be the killer of his previous boss was already a member of the same family, however MaItisonto was not to be swayed from his desire to settle the score. His new boss attempted to dissuade MaItisonto from his course of action both by talking to him and by trying to lock him in a room in the headquarters that would normally have been used for any kidnap victims, but during the struggle that followed, MaItisonto shot three times killing one Bodyguard and shooting his new boss twice. The second shot was fatal. As he was leaving the Gazette offices, an assailant gunned down MaItisonto, although he claimed with his dying breath that Shi_Tzu_Powow fired the shots. This has been proved to be false however, with another gunman being the one to take the life of Ellusion’s killer. MaItisanto’s son soon arrived on the scene, but was later killed in a mugging attempt on Shi_Tzu_Powow, once again claiming a deliberate kill by the Detroit Family head. 'BLOOD DRIVE GATHERS PACE ' By: BluffMaster Blood donors had made their line all the way to the main street when Yesterday, Mr. Iwanna2, launched a new campaign for the betterment of the society. It is called the "Mafia Blood Drive". This was established especially for those people who were too slow in dodging the bullets and the shanks. This campaign would help the needy by providing them for the blood lost. Many of the Mafioso also turned out there for the blood donation. Some were mainly there for the coffee and cookies, but our reporters clearly state that there was no sign of the coffee, only cookies and juice. As any movement towards the good of the people, they too are facing challenges. Cookies are being stolen, some are passing out due to the weakness and people with traces of blood in their alco.. I mean traces of alcohol in their blood vessels are all adding to the tension. Rumours are around that this might have been set up please Count Dracula himself, but there is no such confirmation on that issue. 'RANT ON THE STREETS ' By: Kung_The_Gun March 14 at 5:32 PM, Mr. Goodfella posted a statement about Mr. Oswald, a conceptualist. He ranted on Oswald’s "killing spree" and that all made men will die. Here is a few bits of what he said.. "Bottom line, those who were promised death... have been brought to death And those who weren't promised death... were still brought death. So let me ask all of you... how many more Made Men and people will you allow to go down before you act?" At this statement, Mr. Oswald furiously replied, "Yes GoodFella I killed you, big deal. Pick yourself up stop your crying and get on with it. This is not a threat or me acting the big man, it’s simply what is going to happen from now on." They continued their argument throughout the night, and some fighting and shooting occurred. Goodfella was found dead by police, an hour after the shootings. The killer has not been apprehended, but police say they have a lead to a certain Mr. Oswald being there, although as a Citizen, he could not have fired the fatal shot. Some people say that Oswald had nothing to do with the killing, but GoodFella’s eldest son disagrees. He thinks that, being a Conceptualist, Oswald should be thrown in jail for life. Police are still investigating, and they're not sure who shot, who killed, or if anyone else died. GoodFella’s son is still mourning his father's untimely death. The family had family and friends come to the funeral, where every one of his former crewmembers fired off the mafia salute of 13 shots. After the funeral, March 15 at 2:58 PM, Goodfella Jr. was shot and killed by State of Mind. At the funeral, the killer said some vulgar words, and promptly left to escape the cops. The family has decided to move away from Chicago to escape the killer's wrath. 'EUROPEAN CRISIS CONTINUES AS GERMANS ELECT FAR RIGHT-WING GOVERNMENT ' by Randle McMurphy The growing tensions in Europe were exacerbated today as the Nazi Party won the majority vote in the German Reichstag elections. The party leader, Adolf Hitler, has caused widespread controversy with his anti-semetic and fundamentally racist views. The hatred is spurred by the continuing violence exhibited by the Nazi Party’s paramilitary division, the SA brownshirts. Responsible for daily street violence and numerous criminal activities, they continue to bring Germany to it’s knees through their fear tactics. It is not known what this change in government will do for the German economy, which has now seen it’s unemployment figures skyrocket to one in every three citizens without a job. The great depression is still showing no signs of letting up the world over, and with the growing violence in Germany, there are fears for the stability of the region once Hitler has managed to establish his racist rule over the nation. More to follow next edition. 'NEWS IN BRIEF ' By: BluffMaster As reported last time, the late Mr. Tech1 had wanted to press charges against the Street Cleaners for violating his rights to the freedom of speech. When our reporters approached Mr. Very_angry_man, son of the late Mr. Tech1, he clearly stated that he had no desire to pursue this case and that it should be buried along with his father. Nevertheless, he did state that he believed that the blame of his father's death must be shared with the 'Conceptualists', the Street Cleaners and the reporter that was covering his story. Out of all these only the Conceptualists have accepted the charges, whereas the later have denied any connections with the death of Mr. Tech1. Later on the 14th of March, at 11:22AM in Los Angeles, Mr. very_angry_man was also gunned down. There are no reports of his killer, nor has anyone taken responsibility of his death. 'SECOND GAZETTE MR MAFIA CONTEST OPENS ' Following on from the success of the first Gazette Mr Mafia, the second contest by that name has now opened on the streets. With prizes totalling in the millions, it is believed competition will be fierce for places in the contest. The contestants and judges are to be announced on Sunday, with a closing date of tomorrow for entrants. Judges are still being sought, although the deadline is much closer, at midnight tonight. A poster on the street gives all the details of the contest which will be held over the following week with the winners being announced next Sunday at a grand Gala. 'SAINT PATRICK’S DAY ' By: Theyesman Happy Saint Paddy’s day one and all. Rejoice, drink Guinness, and most of all be merry. Me as a part Scottish, part Irish, find these sort of celebrations great, as I celebrate both Saint Paddy’s day and Saint Andrew’s. So who exactly was Saint Paddy? Well he is the Patron Saint and national apostle of Ireland, and is credited for bringing Christianity to Ireland. He had described himself as a "most humble-minded man, pouring forth a continuous paean of thanks to his Maker for having chosen him as the instrument whereby multitudes who had worshipped idols and unclean things had become the people of God." One of this mans amazing feats was to drive all of the snakes out of Ireland. However it is believed that it was not actual snakes that were driven out, due to Ireland being separated from the mainland at the end of the Ice Age, but pagan religions that used snakes as symbols. It is said that Saint Patrick was not the first to bring Christianity, but he was the first to confront the Druids at Tara and abolish their pagan rights. Apparently he converted the warrior chiefs and princes, baptizing them and thousands of their subjects in the "Holy Wells" that still bear this name. There are many accounts of how Saint Patrick actually died; I will describe two of them. One account says that Saint Patrick died at Saul, Downpatrick, Ireland, on March 17th 460 AD. His jawbone was preserved in a silver shrine and was often requested in times of childbirth, epileptic fits, and as a preservative against the "evil eye." Another account is that he died in Glastonbury in England, and was buried there. There is still a chapel of Saint Patrick as part of Glastonbury Abbey. Nowadays Saint Patrick’s Day is associated with everything Irish, from the colour green to Shamrocks. The traditional and intended meaning is that it is a day for spiritual renewal and offering prayers for missionaries worldwide. In American cities where there is a large Irish population, Saint Paddy’s day is considered a very big deal. There are parades, the "wearing of the green," music and songs, Irish food and drink, and activities for kids such as crafts, colouring and games. Some communities even go so far as to dye the rivers or streams green! 'THE ART OF DOING FAVOURS ' By: SiricoIII The more powerful you become, the more likely it is that every knucklehead you come across will be asking for a favour. They always approach you asking for "a little favour"... like having their 10-year prison sentence dropped. Keep in mind that you shouldn't do favours for just anybody. You have to choose which ones are worth doing. The point of doing someone a favour is two-fold: 1. You are helping someone out of a pinch. 2. You may need a hand sometime and they'll owe you one. When to do what? In the first case, you will likely be helping out family and close friends a lot. They'll ask you to pick up some cannoli on your way home from "work," or ask you to drive little Giovanni to the park for his soccer practice. Your pal might ask you to tell his wife he was with you a few nights back lest she find out he was with that hot redhead with the double Ds. Basically, these kinds of favours are only minor inconveniences to you, but are very helpful to someone else. These are usually people you actually care about so when you can give them a hand, you should do so. A simple "thank you" is often reward enough. Think of it as your good deed for the day. In my case, I try to do a few a day to balance out the bad stuff. Go figure, as much as I try, I'm still in the negative. Favour for you, favour for me: The best example I can give here is helping some politician get elected. If you are the first in line to help him when he's small, he'll be there to protect you when he gets bigger. He knows that if you have a hand in his coming to power, he'll owe you something. So don't be shy to call in the favour when needed. The cardinal rule with business favours is to always get something in return. Don't give away free advice unless you know you'll get some back. A few of my pals own restaurants, I own a strip club. When they stop by with some important people, I treat them like kings -- comp them, send the best girls over, all on the house. It makes them look good. When I go to their restaurants with associates, I get the same treatment. It's a give and take situation. We don't always do this, but if I comp him once, he'll comp me once. Keeps things fair. The last thing to remember about doing business favours is to never do a favour for someone that you know cannot repay you. Some guys are bums, don't waste your time on them -- they ain't going anywhere in life but down the gutter. So unless you want them to send you a bottle of sewer water, I suggest you stay away. Watch your back boys and keep your noses clean. 'A BRIEF LOOK INTO THE LIFE OF… ' By: PauloDinardoJr After I Wrote my article about AphexTwin, though perhaps I should get a look at the Prospective of a man that Many respect, The man who left his crew to AphexTwin until his return, none other than Mr Albert Neri, So here it is. A Brief Look Into The Life Of: Albert Neri – Apostles Crew. I had one of the most respected men I the community sitting at the table opposite me, and for some reason I started to wonder what to ask him, there was just so much I wanted to know, yet only so much I could write about, well I definitely wanted to know about his past so I started by asking him about that. His initial response amazed me, “I personally have never worked in another Crew or family”. He did however tell me that he did business with a man called Furio-Giunta, who was associated with the crime family Chido, This man had served under leaders such as Boo Diggins, Fedaykin, and Massimiliano Pantella. He told me That Mr Furio had worked with some of the best in the community, and that he had then passed the knowledge gained on to him, until his death at the hands of a man known as Mad-Dog. He then told me he decided to leave Chido behind and go at it alone, even though the connections were there for him. We then spoke about his rise to the top, how did he get there and avoid all these thugs that roam our streets these days. “Firstly, the idea that I avoided the random attacks is misleading. I suffered dozens of attacks personally and between myself and my Bodyguards, killed over 20 attackers in self-defence”, something that changed my opinion of the man in seconds, he was a cold-blooded murderer? Or was he really fighting for his life? I pondered upon that for a while as his speech continued. He then told me of one particular incident, in the form of a story, a story I found interesting and want everyone to hear. Albert Neri was a Street Boss in New York City, along with others, he had heard of the now famously known conceptualists claiming New York as there own. Instead of joining the other Street Boss’s and fighting he went to their Head man, and told him he would up and leave. A decision that soon proved wise, as the other Street Boss’s in New York were murdered. The way he put it to some it up was, “We moved our operations to Atlanta, gained respect from the Conceptualists and avoided a war that did not need to be fought”. This man had looked Death in the eye, and survived, a lot many other important men and woman have not done in recent times. He had thought about Family and Longevity before making a rash decision, a quality in a leader I admire. We next spoke about his family, The Apostles of Atlanta, he told me how he had arrived at his name, and then went on to speak about his members, “In terms of the actual membership, I feel I was putting together a highly elite group”. He then told me how he only invited people he knew well and trusted, to name a few there was Carmine Barone (Recently Deceased – R.I.P), TheReddeH, a nickname I presumed, and a man name Sunami, whom is now dead as well. He then praised a few more of his members for their large donations and experience brought to the table, Thandie, Pantella and Uncle_Fester. These names are all names that I knew in the community as decent people, people I speak with almost every time I am out having a drink. I thought about this for a while and thought about the people this man had helping him to the top, it was quite a team, or family should I say, I was no longer surprised about him being number one in Atlanta. Next I asked about the state of the community, a regular question in my interviews yet one that always has different outcomes. “There are currently too many Made Men in my opinion. The lull in the Community has allowed certain people to attain the rank, who frankly, should not be there.” This said it all for me: this man had worked hard for what he had and was able to criticise others who hadn’t. He told me how he had many people come to him wanting to join him in his early days, and would never allow them in, yet other families welcomed them with open arms, Something that he feels will lead to their downfall. On the Subject of lockdowns, his views were, “fully support them, but not simply for the sake of it”. He said there is a chaotic state right now and a Lockdown lets everyone know, that you mean business, and that you won’t let anything hurt your family. He then said, “There is a large degree of overkill involved, but in all my time in Atlanta, only one guy asked me could he buy a bar”. I found this unreal, as in my day you always needed to respect the “man” of the town. He finished with, Lockdowns do not need to last forever, just long enough to make a point. I then asked him about his aims, will he return, he was very prompt and said one thing. “Aims for his town and Future”. I’ll leave you all to Ponder upon that statement. I then asked him a question that had been bothering me since speaking about his family. Why leave your family to AphexTwin when he had so many loyal followers. “Aphex is a Made Man and someone I have had a long association with. He is a close personal friend of mine and he is someone with the right profile to take the Apostles forward in my absence”, Said it all for me. He had obviously picked a man he felt right for the job, and who was I to judge that decision. Before the interview came to an end, Mr Neri and I chatted for a bit longer, and then said farewells, I really had no opinion on this man, except that he seemed like a Leader who deserved to be where he is. 'CONSTANZIA’S CORNER ' By: Constanzia_Corleone How do you answer yo or no? The latest delivery from the pharmacy appears to making a name for himself on Wall Street. Jackie_Giamatti has selflessly set up shop right on Wall Street allowing those working in that area a wonderful selection of self-help combinations, especially procreation. Upon discussing the newest addition to Wall Street with the good Bishop, this reporter was told, “The medication being pushed is immoral, illegal, and will place those either making, selling, or using the pills straight to hell. Children are a blessing from the Lord.” This reporter has delved into the creation of medication and the truth of the medications being sold by Jackie_Giamatti. The pills being sold on Wall Street are nothing more than ipecac powder mixed with strained prune juice. One of the scientists who examined the pills snidely remarked that the pills would be perfect for Jackie_Giamatti since they have a definite laxative effect. Back to the original question, how do you answer to drugs, yo or no, this reporter is definitely a no. Where did they come from? Walking along the streets after working into the wee hours of the morning, this reporter was surprised to see children lingering, smoking, and drinking in the alleys and on street corners. These aren’t young thugs that our world has seen time and time again. The young ones witnessed had not even began puberty. They should be home holding a pet or a toy, not a bottle and a cigarette or the worst viewed a syringe hanging from a tiny arm. Where are the parents of these children? Has the morals of society dropped so far that it is perfectly acceptable to find small children forcing drugs into their veins and alcohol down their throats. They should be having candy, ice cream, or sodas. This reporter asks that all of the successful business people in our world take into account what information this reporter is placing before you and the evidence you witness on a daily basis. Please help the children of the night. 'FEATURED POEM ' ACT OF POETRY: REFLECT by Lisa You have seen the news before But now you see the knife Your on the news, your on at least You have been killed. You have passed away But live to see, Live to read the news But the paper is blank Seems like nobody cares. Maybe if you where god People might care about you So never stop, And tell people you’re here So you will never be forgotten Even when you die. 'PICASSO’S PROFILING ' Ever wondered what other people thought of your name and how you presented yourself? Mail me for a $FREE profile rating and review and prepare to be lauded or laughed at. Each issues Star Profile wins $50k. Andersonn: Is the extra ‘n’ intentional? I don’t know if you are foreign or just can’t spell. Despite this little anomaly, this name isn’t so bad. It reminds me of Neo from The Matrix, a feature length film produced many years into the future from now. I quite like seeing different surnames around here, as it gives a formal impression. Name = 6 Picasso Points. At least this adds something to the default profile picture. I’m not a fan of it – not because it is bad, just because it is everywhere and I see it all the time. The white suit is quite original and seems to add a sense of power. Shame I dislike the picture so much because it is a decent alteration. Picture = 6 Picasso Points. ~Anderson scores 6 Picasso Points. RZA: I’m guessing this is some sort of rap name and not the Religious Zionists of America. It’s all fine and dandy people having names that mean something to them, but when they mean nothing to me then it’s irrelevant really. This hardly floats my boat. Name = 5 Picasso Points. I suppose this is Mr RZA himself. If you had a religious Zionist picture in here I might have scored it better. Despite this being a rap pic, I like the use of blue and it works pretty well. Shame it has nothing to do with 1930s mafia. Picture = 6 Picasso Points. ~RZA scores 5.5 Picasso Points. Lost_Shadow: I really like this name. To me it conjures up the picture of someone trying to discover who they really are and feeling that a part of them is missing. Shadow refers to that missing part, but what is really lost? It is one of those names that can allow people to have a totally subjective opinion on what it means. Name = 8 Picasso Points. To be honest, I’m disappointed with the picture. The image is hard to make out and I don’t like straining my eyes, my doctor says it isn’t good for me. The text doesn’t stand out and the image itself is rather small and squashed. At least it refers to your name and black, white and grey will always work well. Picture = 5 Picasso Points. ~Lost_Shadow scores 6.5 Picasso Points. Pyramid_Head: What a strange name. Why do I get the feeling you are a total fruitcake? Despite the fact you seem slightly deranged, I like the name. Bizarre ones can be quite interesting from time to time as there aren’t always that many around. God only knows what made you think of this one mind you. Name = 7 Picasso Points. Imagine my surprise to find that your picture contains a character with, seemingly, a pyramid for a head. How strange. He looks like a computer-generated image taken from a future setting. An almost brown picture too which is also quite strange, but works quite well. Picture = 7 Picasso Points. Pyramid_Head scores 7 Picasso Points. Mute: Ahh Mute, or should I say Skillzy. It must be hard for you thinking up new names every day or so. I remember back when there wasn’t a two character a day limit and you went through hundreds. I’ve rated you in the past and not gave you points then, so it would be a shame to start now. Plus you’re dead. ;) Name = 0 Picasso Points. Jesus Christ, that is hideous. I’m pretty sure the snot is real as well. You are absolutely disgusting. I couldn’t possibly tarnish my good name by giving points to someone who puts up a picture like that! I’ve seen some revolting pictures in the past but yours takes the cake. ;P Picture = 0 Picasso Points. ~Mute scores 0 Picasso Points. *Sympathetic applause* That means that this issues Picasso Star Profile is awarded to Pyramid_Head. Congratulations, $50k and bragging rights are yours. 'THE REAL WORD ON THE STREET ' A Gossip Column by Ivanna Gossip Once again it’s time for the latest edition of The Real Word on the Street. Take it from a woman that knows her gossip. She says, "The word on the street is... Albert-Neri was seen bumming a cigarette from bluebel and Randle-McMurphy. She says, "The word on the street is... Cireco was seen enjoying a pastrami “sammie” with cream cheese, garlic sauce and avocado on white bread, with all the fixings. She says, "The word on the street is... GoodFelIa should be more aptly named GreatFelIa. She says, "The word on the street is... Dr-Smoke never finished medical school. She says, "The word on the street is... SonnyFontane hasn’t been seen talking to anyone. She says, "The word on the street is... Consequential _Conscience is really apathetic. 'DR COX DOESN’T “DO” ADVICE ' Ok newbies, listen up. My cup floweth over with the joy of you idiots and your problems. I’m not your nanny, so quit asking me things like “I really like this other guy, but I’m not sure how my Made Man will react to me being gay”. Puck, everyone knows, just get on with it. Oh dear, I just outed Puck to the entire Nation. I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it. Secondly, I don’t give two iota’s of a crap that Made Men have been dying of late. Lookit, people die, I’m a Doctor; I know these things. Every single one of you will be on a slab in my morgue eventually, and yes, Doug the pathologist will use you as a table to put his sandwiches on, but you’ll be dead, so you won’t care about that little humiliation. Made Men have reached a fairly decent rank, they should be happy for that. Most of them don’t complain half as much as their underlings do when they get whacked, so quit your whining, or I will end you. Period. Lastly, randoms. This word is like an annoying high pitched squeal to me. “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”, no, more like an “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”. It throbs in my eardrums and makes me want to stab my eyes out with spoons. No, rusty spoons. So, here’s the thing, for every time I hear the word “random” from now on, I’ll punch TieDomi. In the face. So for Tie, stop saying randoms. Oops, I just said it… I’ll have to punch Tie. I love THIS moment so much, I’d cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a whole little family of moments. See ya, losers. Now, I don’t know what dashingly good looking actor is making you boys swoon nowadays, but whatever you decide to write to me about, I’ll just go ahead and bat out an answer for ya, mmhmm, I’ll take your problems, make them my problems, then make you go away. Questions/comments on a postcard to Randle-McMurphy c/o The Gazette offices. 'MYSTIC VIRGIL’S HOROSCOPES ' Aries (21 Mar – 19 Apr): Jupiter brings a multitude of problems this week but fear not because help is at hand. Look no further than the Gazette’s own Agony Aunt and Uncle to solve your dilemma. A word of warning though, they are both Scorpio’s and prone to making things up. Shame on them! You’d never catch me doing that! Taurus (20 Apr – 20 May): Did you know that 90 percent of street-cleaners are Taureans? It’s an astrological fact folk that those born under the sign of the bull go ballistic at the slightest thing, red flags, poor grammar, bad syntax and worst of all….txt speak. Other professions where Taureans dominate include: Tax inspectors, Traffic Wardens, Bailiffs and the legendary complainer, old man at the front of the queue at the post office. Famous Taureans: Adolf Hitler and Mussolini. Gemini (21 May – 21 Jun): Tie-Domi and Randle McMuffin are both Gemini’s which means that if your birthdate falls in the same range, you unfortunately share a lot of their character traits. God help you. That’s all I can say. Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul): Beware the man on the street this week. Those who fail to heed my warnings will find themselves in dire straits indeed (no not the band). That lovely shiny .38 that seems like such a cut priced bargain on Tuesday will prove your undoing on Wednesday when you pull the trigger and the only sound to come out is a slight click as a flag with the word +Bang+ appears out of the end of the barrel. In the right moment this would be quite funny but now when you’ve just pulled the trigger on Frankie “The Bull” Mazarino. Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug): Ah. Leo. The sign of the lion. Proud, strong, the king of the jungle, courageous, fearless. Strange isn’t it how sometimes the image portrayed by a star-sign is totally at odds with the character traits of those born under it? Which is sometimes a good thing. When you hear those tell tale gunshots this week, do what you do best and run like the wind. Only then will you live to find out what the stars have in store for you next week. Remember: He who fights and runs away. Lives to run away another day. Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sept): Remember those pills I mentioned last week Virgo? Well, I lied. They were actually extremely powerful hallucinogenics. So, climb down off that pink hippopotamus you think you’ve been riding around on all week and go back to MoneyZeb’s to apologise for stealing them. But don’t forget to try to ignore the fact that everyone is wearing no clothes and are wearing Wee Jock McFee hats, it’s all in your twisted little head. Libra (23 Sept – 22 Oct): You may find yourself coming out in an uncontrollable bout of acne this week. All I can say is that it is all your own doing you greedy Libran pigs. Yes! I know I told you last week to go eat chocolate. But why do you always have to go too far. Once a hoodlum, always a hoodlum eh? I didn’t actually think for one second you’d go out and hijack a truck from the Wonka factory and proceed to eat all the evidence. Apart from the truck and driver I hope. Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov): Oh dear Scorpio, not a good week for you I’m afraid. One minute you are quietly chatting with a nice man in a suit about the weather and the price of fish and the next he has you locked up in a back room somewhere threatening you with a pair of fingernail extractors. Maybe that comment about his hair looking like a badly made wig was a little ill advised? Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec): Last week, Curly Wurly’s. This week, kid’s T.V. in my day we had The Flumps and Chorlton and the Wheelies. Or that old classic, Rainbow. Up above the streets and houses, Rainbow climbing high, everyone can see it climbing, over the sky, Paint the whole world with a Rainbow, Dum dum dad a dum dum de dum. Now forget the gayness of Bungle for a minute and question the relationship between Rod, Jane and Freddie and tell me there was not something dodgy going on at their house after dark. Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan): Maybe I was wrong last week. The fact that your neighbours have been pouring kerosene through your letterbox and then flicking a match in should tell you that they are still a little miffed at you running over their dog. Take my advice and move house. It’ll only get worse from here on in. Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb): Next time you write anything for the Gazette make sure you photocopy it in triplicate and nail it to your forehead. That way when your dog eats your hard work the night before the deadline you don’t have to run around the house like a demented idiot trying to remember what you wrote the first time around. At times like this take inspiration from that famous building contracting company, Bodgitt and Scarper. Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar): With so many cars backfiring these days it is an ideal time for the entrepreneurial Piscean to set up in business as a car repairer. Shame then that Pisceans are notoriously bad at anything remotely mechanical otherwise you could make quite a good living this week. Especially as Neptune is eclipsed by Uranus this week meaning that every horse race you bet on will be a loser. No slap up restaurant meals for you this week. It’s beans on toast all the way! If all this doesn’t come true this week then I am not a qualified Astrologer! 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Help wanted for forthcoming restaraunt in Miami area. Waiters, cooks and chefs required to support in a good working enviroment. Experience not essential but training given where needed. Please contact Uncle_Fester for further details. 02:57, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:57, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Horses for sale, good for yard work or glue making. Contact Picasso for race history. Samurai Mouse $500,000 Old Monster $500,000 Sexy Chick $600,000 Castaway Magic $500,000 Peppermint Hitman $500,000 Gloomy Hippo $500,000 02:57, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:57, February 15, 2013 (UTC) WANTED One Agony Uncle. Please submit resume, including mock mails and responses, to Bunny_Masterson c/o Mafia Gazette. Position will be open until right candidate found. 02:57, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:57, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to Bunny_Masterson c/o the Mafia Gazette. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines.